ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

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My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them


I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿


Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.


? Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ?


I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.


[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager


I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.


Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium


ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin