ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
You Might Also Like
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
estão todos miauvindo?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.