@AnnettePriest

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

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@ch000ch

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

@OctopusCaveman

Some people have this weird super power where they smell like their shampoo for hours after showering.

@buckweiser13

I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.

@crownjuul

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

@TheAndrewNadeau

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence en????? ???? ??

@KateWouldHaveIt

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

@chrisdowning

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

@man_spach

My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.