Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.