[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.