Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.
Rolls down car window.
Throws caution to the wind.
Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.