@LionJenkins

Rolls down car window.

Throws caution to the wind.

Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

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@Matt_the_1st

Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.

@iGreenGod

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

@ClassADude

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

@slimmy_shady

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

@slaughthie

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

@Kaldruen

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

@lawyerthoughts

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

@duumb

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

@gabbazaba

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

@KKAlThani

Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.