Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.