[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
time for some seasonal decor
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.