*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
You saw nothing. I am ham.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die