*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
So the ex texted me
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.