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-Octopus preparing for a fight

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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me


My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard


When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.


Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.


Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho


I’m sorry I burned down your house, but the Mythbusters told me not to try it at home and you should really lock your doors when you go out.


Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]


Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent


Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a


If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby