*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

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Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.


*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”


Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:


Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.


Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”


If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.


Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.


date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke


I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says “Buy Nerf guns and candy”, but the adult in me says “Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy”.