*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it