My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY