Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
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I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.