roman lesbians: *caesaring*
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One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“and how does that make you feel?”