Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
roman pirates be like 10 marks the spot
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.