*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT