@desukidesu
@CatGee1989
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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@CatGee1989
@RealDMK
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
@darksidesith75
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
@jctwritesstuff
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
@SamGrittner
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
@thenatewolf
*Shoves a guy*
I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.
@TheAlexNevil
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
@NicestHippo
[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
@singing_ghosts
[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”
@English_Channel
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended