I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
roman pirates be like 10 marks the spot
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
*Shoves a guy*
I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended