@desukidesu

roman pirates be like 10 marks the spot

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@CatGee1989

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

@RealDMK

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

@darksidesith75

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

@jctwritesstuff

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

@SamGrittner

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

@thenatewolf

*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.

@TheAlexNevil

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

@singing_ghosts

[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”

@English_Channel

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended