@desukidesu

roman pirates be like 10 marks the spot

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@panku_

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

@BuckyIsotope

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

@wolfpupy

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

@HomeWithPeanut

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

@JeffMyspace

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

@dreamthievin

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

@sarahwcurtis

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

@AmishPornStar1

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.