roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
This guy’s not having it 😆
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
work smarter, not harder
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*