roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”


I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said “No!”. For one thing, we don’t have any kids…


I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.


GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?


Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan


[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT


“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.


This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.


I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?


things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy