roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
You Might Also Like
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened