[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
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[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.