BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
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mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*