Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
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Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Who called it baking and not making love
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents