Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
You Might Also Like
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math