@jergarl

Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.

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@MrsMikePatton

I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

@aksorojas

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

@clichedout

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

@KimmyMonte

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@iinkedZombie

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

@KeetPotato

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

@TheWoodenslurpy

To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.