I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.
Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.
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“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Saddest phrase: Hollow chocolate bunny
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The Walking Dead is Jesus’s favorite show.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.