@notalogin

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

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@ObscureGent

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

@GrantTanaka

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

@jwoodham

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

@meganamram

Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”

@Jason_Horton

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

@ElleOhHell

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

@Sir_Strange

Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.

I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.