Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.
I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.