Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.