@notalogin

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

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@iamspacegirl

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

@_ElvishPresley_

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

@PaperWash

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@iscoff

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

@bobvulfov

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

@sonictyrant

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

@geowizzacist

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

@smithsara79

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*