@FrenulumBreve

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

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@meganamram

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

@AnkCoupleTO

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

@badbanana

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

@UnFitz

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

@CrockettForReal

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

@Playing_Dad

Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*

@carlyken

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

@treywafer

Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry