@FrenulumBreve

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

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@Marcmywords2

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

@Sickayduh

Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?

Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@calluptome

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

@KarateDonuts

McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”

@robotrowboat

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

@JesKeepSwimming

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

@impaulmccoy

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

@carlielyn

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

@mjkspeaks

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*