[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
You Might Also Like
Someone just threatened to call me later
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”