her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry