@FrenulumBreve
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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@meganamram
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
@AnkCoupleTO
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
@badbanana
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
@UnFitz
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
@CrockettForReal
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
@Playing_Dad
Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
@carlyken
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
@treywafer
Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry