@Marcmywords2 It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
@FrenulumBreve [romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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@Marcmywords2 
@Sickayduh Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?
Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend
@Shenaniglenns CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS
Me: Ok I-
CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.
@calluptome If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
@KarateDonuts McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”
@robotrowboat Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
@JesKeepSwimming I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
@impaulmccoy I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
@carlielyn Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
@mjkspeaks [hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*