[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

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I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying


Me: Scout’s honor.

Minister: You’re supposed to say “I do.”


Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?


Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.


I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.


I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.


Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.