Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.