My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.