[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.