*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
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Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.