@radmarco

*romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*

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@InternetHippo

[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok

@thatUPSdude

Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?

Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.

@ericONEderful

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

@curlycomedy

How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?

@ThisOneSayz

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

@bourgeoisalien

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

@dongfuture

*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*

@KimmyMonte

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

@philandher96

“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”

~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied

@RaisingOneBrow

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.