@radmarco: *romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*
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@Rollmaninoz: *Drops son at preschool* Son: I love you daddy *tears up* *3pm picks son up* S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy Me: oh I see how it is
@CaptainJerkwad: Hate being a funeral director "why'd u take the job?" I inherited it from my dad "You could've just declined it" And lose my first customer?
@AndyAsAdjective: Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" SO I'M GONNA BRING IT! *brings lunch to work*
@Ryan_Patricks: My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.