[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
*romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*
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Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?
Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe
*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*
*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”
~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.