*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.