[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
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Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.