“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: when is it tho
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.
A lot of you need to miss recess.
date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.