@ShutUpThatsWho

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

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@RorynotRoy

“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues

@sassy__cat6

My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.

A lot of you need to miss recess.

@captainkalvis

date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

@Jez1

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

@carlyken

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

@LoveNLunchmeat

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

@serialstealer

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

@TitansHomer

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.