Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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is this meant to deter me
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.