Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Hot hot hot 🥵
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then