Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

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I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed


Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there


Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.


[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going


“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus


“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”


Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.


*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*


Doctor: It’s been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts?

“I can’t believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard.”


Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.