Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.