Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.