@MNateShyamalan

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

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@audipenny

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

@ThugRaccoons

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

@Diversion50

[supermarket]

*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*

CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.

ME: Oh, OK.

*slowly repacks trolley*

@MelvinofYork

Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.

@FunnyBison

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

@ImLeslieChow

Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.

@Holbornlolz

Eastern Europe – 1989

“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”

@iamjohnsarris

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.