Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
How it started: How it’s going:
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Not all heroes wear capes…
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*