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@SamuelHLowe

– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

@TragicAllyHere

My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.

@cravin4

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

@GrandadJFreeman

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

@dshack8

First Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.

@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

@montgomaryrock

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

@amydillon

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.