Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”