Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.