me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I like long walks away from everyone
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter