Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend