Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.