I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.