@Pro_Jones_
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
@animaldrumss
[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image
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@Pro_Jones_
@dumbbeezie
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
@better_off_dad
Sarcasm is like chocolate…
…technically you can live without it – but why?
@beefman138
My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.
Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.
@JoParkerBear
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
@Mom_Overboard
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
@nerdonfire1
Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral
@weinerdog4life
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
@GroovyTasia
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
@KirstenCatClub
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.