I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
You Might Also Like
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.