@animaldrumss

[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image

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@Pro_Jones_

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

@dumbbeezie

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

@better_off_dad

Sarcasm is like chocolate…

…technically you can live without it – but why?

@beefman138

My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.

@JoParkerBear

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

@Mom_Overboard

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

@nerdonfire1

Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral

@weinerdog4life

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

@GroovyTasia

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

@KirstenCatClub

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.