[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image

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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*


No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body


Sarcasm is like chocolate…

…technically you can live without it – but why?


My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.


Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.


I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun


Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral


The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks


Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind


Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.