I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.