@pixelatedboat: Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he's the world's most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I "ruined your son's birthday party"?
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@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
@Queen_Sassy_AF: Thank you for the "avi is not me" disclaimer in your bio. I was thinking David Hasselhoff sure isn't very popular on here with 13 followers
@mommy_cusses: *Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse* 5: *crying* Me: It's okay, son. 5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
@HatfieldAnne: If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.