Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I have two kinds of followers
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
President The Rock Obama
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious