@EllaZee5

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

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@_xLNc

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@Cravin4

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

@walks_on_legs

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

@JediGigi

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

@AmirTalai

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

@Shade510

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

@Desert_Musings

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

@northcoastkevin

If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.

Follow me for more life pro tips.