Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
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Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.