ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
🤣😈🤣
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow