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@EvanSilliams: ROOF GUY: That'll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
@cottoncandaddy: my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
@truegritrumble: ME: I'd like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that's a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
@TheToddWilliams: COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I'm not sure. Over.
@shutupmikeginn: Don't tell me I look tired unless you're offering to carry me
@daemonic3: Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Cop: Oh ok nevermind