No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
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People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Wikigenius
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management