@ibid78

Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”

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@AaronFullerton

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

@panmidwest

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

@electrolemon

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

@QwertyJones3

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

@sarcasticmommy4

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

@audipenny

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

@LaniBeno

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.