GOOD COP: tell us where ur boss is hiding and we’ll let u go
BIKE COP: [clenches fist] we woulda caught him if he hadnt climbed those stairs
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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Me: Where’s your maternity section?
Her: Over there. How far along is she?
Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.
Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.
Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes
Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
when you’re about to get eaten by a shark but then u see bae watching
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?