@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

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@KellyBXah

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

@TesstifyBarker

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

@robfromonline

before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry

@Hurly_Burly

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

@NewDadNotes

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

@VisionBored1

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now

Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE

@Dutch_50

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@juliussharpe

You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.