Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
That’s not how days work.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Natty or not?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No