@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

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@jonnysun

GOOD COP: tell us where ur boss is hiding and we’ll let u go
BIKE COP: [clenches fist] we woulda caught him if he hadnt climbed those stairs

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Where’s your maternity section?

Her: Over there. How far along is she?

Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.

Her…

@BBQJones28

Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.

@Lord_Voldemort7

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”

@Skoogeth

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

@CaptainJerkwad

Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance

@XplodingUnicorn

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?