@Damnsotrue Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
@FrazzleMyGimp ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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@Damnsotrue 
@TheAndrewNadeau BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
@JPLFR80 The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
@bea_ker Hitlers gonna hitl
@TheAndrewNadeau MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
@shutupmikeginn I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
@KateWhineHall *runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
@Reverend_Scott Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
@KeetPotato *gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
*opens it*
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”
YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN
@RomyMichele #HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
