ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Just grow your own
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.