@FrazzleMyGimp

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

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@skyington

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

@SSDated

You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.

@rachelle_mandik

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@skittle624

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

@bendymommy

Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.

@murrman5

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

@papaneedscoffee

2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”

Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”

2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..