Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Hitlers gonna hitl
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*runs in place*
*takes a deep breath*
*heads toward buffet*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”
YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem