@FrazzleMyGimp

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

You Might Also Like

@Damnsotrue

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

@TheAndrewNadeau

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

@JPLFR80

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

@shutupmikeginn

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

@KateWhineHall

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

@KeetPotato

*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
*opens it*
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”
YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN