Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“I HAVE OTHERS”
[just loses it]
You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”
Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”
2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”
It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..